According to my Mum, and some old photo evidence my first encounter with a horse was around 18 months old. I love the photo below because it shows the childlike innocent wonder. That which simply takes in the world as it is directly, requiring no subtractions or additions of conditioned thought—just pure raw experience.
Imagine it… Before we knew what anything was. Its name, what it might be for, or how it might affect us based on any past experience, we just experienced things as they are. My face in this photo shows that I am just taking it all in. Experiencing it all, as it is.
If we take a moment to consider this deeply, what an amazing thing this is. An 18-month-old baby experiencing the pure nature of that which she will later call 'Horse'. Imagine what my little senses must have been processing in that moment. Then I wonder... What was it although I knew nothing of Horse, that captivated me and saw me spending the greater part of the next 53 years dedicated to being in their presence in one way or another.
Of course, over time I learned through my direct experience plus conditioned learning that this is A Horse. My horse or Your horse. I learnt things about horses and what the implications of 'Horse' were in my life.
As I grew older still I learned more about fear too as I spent involuntary periods of time on the floor, being kicked, bitten or trodden on. I also began to learn that there were things you could do with horses and to horses that made them seem better or worse. All additions to that first time when a horse was just a sensory experience.
As I was growing up I didn’t have a great deal of access to riding horses or lessons so I often had to get creative. I’d beg and borrow and yearned to have one of my own and I did for short periods but they were often wholly unsuitable.
As I grew older, one of my master plans was that if I was to become a proficient rider in the eyes of others then they might let me ride their horses, for free, or maybe even pay me so I went off to get “qualified” If I had a certificate that would be proof enough. Or so the story went.
It was around this time though that the childlike wonder began to dissolve, being replaced by something else. What was that? Because no longer was 'Horse' enough.
The childlike wonder I now know was still there but it had become buried beneath something which seemed more important. A desire to be something. No longer was I in the moment just enjoying Horse, but more often than not chasing something in the future. At this time it was a desire to look as if I knew how to get horses to do things. This and the British Horse Society exam passes. Because a qualification is proof right?
And so it was, when I finished, shiny certificates in hand I remember my first awakening into a kind of sad realisation or place of mild disappointment. Here I was with proof that I could do it and I felt as if I’d never been less able to do it. Whatever ‘it’ was.
What I now realise is that during this time of desire for something other, or in addition to Horse, I had become detached from ‘the point’. I’d certainly achieved my goal of people allowing me to ride their horses for free and for money and I was almost always successful at the competitions I attended but something felt off. As if I’d forgotten why I wanted to do any of it.
Today I find myself in an altogether different place. A place that feels very much like the beginning. It’s been a slow and sometimes arduous trip back but it’s been a journey, not to some new place as I’d always imagined but instead one that finds me back in the place I started.
As I find myself closer to where I started, I'm interested to notice that I also bring with me the fruits of all those years of efforting I put in to be a better rider. All the tears and furrowed brows, along with the wisdom of all the wonderful trainers I worked with, the books I read and all the raw experience in my body and mind, gifted to me by every horse I’ve ever interacted with. It’s a wonderful place to be. There's always more to learn but I am at peace now.
And so I wonder, is it necessary to take this journey away from ourselves so that we might return and view the place as if for the first time? Is there a way in which we might bypass the pain of all that efforting which seems to go unrewarded for so long and even sometimes see us giving up and walking away altogether?
Or is it all a necessary rite of passage, one that perhaps some of our modern-day riders are not willing to take?
As a human being, a rider, teacher and coach who has made this journey back I can now see that many people are somewhere still on a path of seeking which causes them some pain. Although the journey is never-ending the seeking part is over for me now because no matter what's going on or what there is still to learn I am accepting and happy to be in this place, right here.
Often I work with adult riders who despite all the sincere efforting in the world, find themselves stuck in a place of constant seeking where there is little joy in what they are now doing with their horses and it all just feels like an uphill struggle towards something that might be joyful in the future.
What started out as a childhood dream of curiosity love and wonder can turn into a story of frustration and disappointment. We are finally old enough, have enough time and earn enough money to own a horse and to take the lessons. Everything we thought we needed is finally in place and yet…
There are stories of how it will be better once I know enough, ride well enough, finally get it, my horse starts behaving better, the flappy things are no longer next to the arena and plastic bags don’t exist. Then I will be able to enjoy my horse and proceed with joy and gay abandon. I know because I spent many years in this place not even noticing that riding, in this moment was no longer putting a smile on my face.
So how did things change? A few years ago I began riding a little with António Borba Moneiro. I write about it in this blog. At the time this changed many things for me but there is a part which is relevant to this blog that I’d like to share.
The first time I went to visit António’s small yard in Lisbon, I had my lessons, got shouted at a lot and learned a great deal. In the meantime, I also had ample opportunity to simply sit and watch him ride, which I did at every opportunity and it was from this watching with a quiet open mind that I learned my biggest lesson of all.
No matter what was going on, from external distractions to the throwing of shapes from some of the younger horses, to all the asymmetries resistances and natural evasions being presented, there was not just a calm that emanated but often a half smile or a full grin across this mans face that simply looked to me like pure enjoyment of it all. As if he was experiencing riding for the very first time every time.
Of course, this didn't mean that corrections weren’t made and there were to odd ugly bits but the essence of it was so clear to me that it brought tears to my eyes because it showed me what I had been searching for in my riding for so long but looking for in the wrong place. Or to be more accurate I’d been looking for something that had been there all the time, but had simply been missed or forgotten.
So those of you who know me know that I will never leave it there. I had to know... What was going on here…? As much as all the wisdom, ability and experience was clear to see, it felt as if all of this was being animated by something more much powerful that brought it all to life.
Here was a person who was clearly not waiting for anything different to happen in order to experience the quiet joy in what he was doing. There was an air of complete acceptance of all that was being experienced in the moment and so it was, in that moment, I finally gave myself permission to do that same.
For the remainder of the trip I still got shouted at a lot, but as inadequate a rider as I sometimes felt, I knew I had learned something extremely valuable on this first visit.
So how can we rediscover the joy of riding if indeed it feels a little obscured right now? What if we could take a journey back to those days when all the world was a wonder to behold? Before we learned so much about how it isn’t or I’m not, or he can’t. How might that work?
Firstly what if we understood that the nature of our being is peace is joy before we superimpose limitation or any ideas that it isn't? The stuff that sucks the life out of it all and has us furrowing our brow and taking it all so seriously? Might we then begin to catch a glimpse of the curiosity fascination and happiness that was always there and never went anywhere but just got buried under all that we imagined was more important?
What is the point of any of it without some joy?
That’s not to say we can’t also learn from our teachers and our books and that It’s not hard work sometimes, but what if all this was in addition to the already joyful experience of just being with ourselves, and on our horses. What if we and they didn’t have to be any different in that moment for us to experience the joy of that being?
These days whenever I find myself with the furrowed brow of old, oftentimes the simple noticing of it is enough to remind me to search what is in my mind at that moment, and what I will usually find is the story of some problem or another.
Often all it takes is for me to notice it and smile. What comes next is just what comes next, informed now from the presence of that childlike openness and acceptance of things as they are before they need to change. And then I might change something. :)
Horses experience and communicate with us from a place of uninterrupted, uncontaminated awareness. Awareness or consciousness is who we are and we share this truth with all beings. It is the one place where we and our horses are more similar than we are different and it’s also the place where joy is experienced. For free. Before anyone needs to do anything, add anything or change anything.
As we learn to become more connected with and informed from this place in ourselves, it no longer matters so much what else is going on. We might devise strategies for change and learning but they are secondary, and as they become secondary we begin the journey back to ourselves, uncovering the peace joy and connection that was and is always there waiting underneath anything that seems as if it’s not that.
If you are not experiencing peace and joy in your horse journey right now, whatever form that takes for you, then take some time out, just for a moment, from the seeking of solutions in the external and all the busy thinking going on up there and imagine yourself, just for a moment, as if you were that 18-month-old baby experiencing 'Horse' for the first time with no internal dialogue. Drop out of your mind and into your body sensations and see what you find there.
It's the nature of us humans to be doers and our doings can be really useful but it’s in our ‘being’ that our answers and indeed our happiness really abides, and the more time we can spend there, well the rest begins to seem obvious…
A question I ask myself when I’m not feeling the joy I know is inherent to my nature is, ‘How up my head am I?’ If thoughts could be measured in revs per minute, what’s my current RPM?
On the flip side, when I'm experiencing joy and feeling like it’s going well, I also take a moment to reflect on my RMP and always find it's lower.
When we take a moment to get quiet and connect with the nature of our being and that of our horse, things always begin to look and feel better for both. Whatever ‘better’ looks like for you.
The next question to investigate is ‘What came first the chicken or the egg?
Maxine Kemp is a classical riding trainer and transformative life coach based in East Suffolk UK who is dedicated to simplifying and demystifying the journey to greater peace well-being and empowerment for humans and their horses.
"It’s not supposed to be that difficult."
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Very insightful! I think I'm getting better at being in the moment when riding, and just enjoying what I'm doing. But I've certainly gone through years of being very intense and judgemental, of both my horse and my self. I'll try remembering the girlish wonder of it all.